It is so crazy how things in life work out. I have wanted this surgery so bad for years now, and now that it is finally right around the corner I am so nervous out of my mind and can not help but wonder if I am making the right decision. I know in my heart of hearts I am but I can not help but worry about possible complications or if the surgery will even work. I dont want to get my hopes up and I am trying my hardest to have realistic expectations.
This illness has taken away so much from me over the last few years: Jobs, family, friends, and relationships, I just hope that when this year journey is over that I can maintain some stability in my life and finally be able to do all the things that I have so desperately wanted to do.
This last week has been so crazy. I have cried everyday and pretty much have become a prisoner of my own isolation. No matter how much people want to understand what I am going through, I know they can not. I am so scared and its so hard to admit to anyone because I dont want to cause them any more worry. So I pretend everyday that everything is alright and that I can handle this. But I question my own strength. I feel like I am at the breaking point. Everyday that goes by my surgery date gets closer and closer and I get more scared and more scared. I am happy to be becoming Ulcerative Colitis free, but I am also so nervous about this new chapter of my life.
I think people have a hard time understanding that this is one surgery. There will be another after and this is not a quick fix. Its done in stages and with each stage I have to re learn my new body and the do's and dont's of it. Its not anything like when I got my gall bladder out and I was out of the hospital that day and three days later I felt fine. If only it were like that......I hope that I can deal with the self imagine issues I will have right after surgery when I encounter "my bag" for the first time. I hope that I do not look at myself with disgust and horror, I hope I can embrace it as a part of me for a short time. I just hope and pray that I am strong enough.
I sit hear crying as I write this and Im not really sure why. I cry for myself, I know, I cry for the old me that I am going to be reunited with, and I cry for the people in my life who hurt because of this also. I think we often forget about loved ones and how this effects them. I want them to all know that regardless of how this turns out that I am ok. This is my choice and I know deep down that I am doing whats right. It feels good to cry though, and Im sure there will be many more tears shed before Monday Nov. 26th.
I not only look forward to physically feeling well, but I look most forward to an emotional healing. I have an anger, sadness, madness boiling inside of me that has to be the ugliest thing in the world.....and its mine. I need to make my peace with not only myself but with the people I have hurt in life as well. I hope that I get to that happy place in life that has not yet been scard by sadness, disappointment, and the realities of life.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. You may not know the reason yet, but just know that it exists. Life hands you things everyday to jump over, climb up, and excel at. We all have a reason, a purpose, on this Earth. I am hoping after my surgery, I know mine :-)
This illness has taken away so much from me over the last few years: Jobs, family, friends, and relationships, I just hope that when this year journey is over that I can maintain some stability in my life and finally be able to do all the things that I have so desperately wanted to do.
This last week has been so crazy. I have cried everyday and pretty much have become a prisoner of my own isolation. No matter how much people want to understand what I am going through, I know they can not. I am so scared and its so hard to admit to anyone because I dont want to cause them any more worry. So I pretend everyday that everything is alright and that I can handle this. But I question my own strength. I feel like I am at the breaking point. Everyday that goes by my surgery date gets closer and closer and I get more scared and more scared. I am happy to be becoming Ulcerative Colitis free, but I am also so nervous about this new chapter of my life.
I think people have a hard time understanding that this is one surgery. There will be another after and this is not a quick fix. Its done in stages and with each stage I have to re learn my new body and the do's and dont's of it. Its not anything like when I got my gall bladder out and I was out of the hospital that day and three days later I felt fine. If only it were like that......I hope that I can deal with the self imagine issues I will have right after surgery when I encounter "my bag" for the first time. I hope that I do not look at myself with disgust and horror, I hope I can embrace it as a part of me for a short time. I just hope and pray that I am strong enough.
I sit hear crying as I write this and Im not really sure why. I cry for myself, I know, I cry for the old me that I am going to be reunited with, and I cry for the people in my life who hurt because of this also. I think we often forget about loved ones and how this effects them. I want them to all know that regardless of how this turns out that I am ok. This is my choice and I know deep down that I am doing whats right. It feels good to cry though, and Im sure there will be many more tears shed before Monday Nov. 26th.
I not only look forward to physically feeling well, but I look most forward to an emotional healing. I have an anger, sadness, madness boiling inside of me that has to be the ugliest thing in the world.....and its mine. I need to make my peace with not only myself but with the people I have hurt in life as well. I hope that I get to that happy place in life that has not yet been scard by sadness, disappointment, and the realities of life.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. You may not know the reason yet, but just know that it exists. Life hands you things everyday to jump over, climb up, and excel at. We all have a reason, a purpose, on this Earth. I am hoping after my surgery, I know mine :-)
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